Today would’ve been my little sister’s 12th birthday.

People who know me generally only know of my two brothers.  Both are half-brothers by a different parent, but I’ve never really given that any thought.  Both are my brothers and are known to everyone around me as such; there’s no point in focusing on the fact that they don’t share both parents with me since that doesn’t mean I love either of them any less.  What I don’t talk about very often is that I also had a sister.  Had/have.  I never really know how to say that.  How to talk about her.  Faith was born 12 years ago today, but was too premature and unfortunately couldn’t make it on her own.  She survived for 7 days and then they had to let her go because she wasn’t going to get any better.  I hope this doesn’t sound callous, but please understand that I was 11 years old when all this happened.  The specifics are still very vague to me because it isn’t something I’ve ever wanted to ask my dad or step-mom to explain to me.  It would kill me to ask them to relive it anymore than absolutely necessary, so I’d rather just remember what I can.

I was in middle school when Connie was pregnant with Faith.  She used to watch me and my middle brother (the younger hadn’t been born yet) after school at my mom’s house.  I remember her being pregnant.  And I vaguely remember when things started going wrong.  As an 11 year old I didn’t have much comprehension of what was going on, just what I could see and understand.  When Faith was born she was very early, and very small.  Everybody knew it was going to be a critical situation, so grandparents came into town to see her and be with my dad and Connie while they tried to keep it together.  I do remember that much.  I’d never seen my dad walk around with such a blank stare on his face.  There was no laughter in his eyes like there usually was.  Every spare minute he had was spent at the hospital with Faith.  Same with my step-mom.

I remember being allowed to see her for the first time.  She was in a very sterile part of the hospital, so when I went in I had to scrub up to make sure I wasn’t carrying in any germs that might hurt her.  She was so tiny.  So small.  Even being so young I knew it wasn’t right and even then it made me sad to see her like that.  She was my little sister and without saying it out loud, everyone knew that it wasn’t looking good.  I wish it had turned out different, but that’s not what happened.  I remember the hospital calling my dad when she took a turn for the worse, and he raced to the hospital to hold her in his arms for the last time.  I was too young to really understand what it meant that they were taking her off life support, but they knew then and I know now.

Her funeral was the first funeral I can ever remember attending.  I got to see her in the funeral home before we went to the cemetery and buried her.  Someone sang.  Someone spoke.  I don’t remember any of it.  I just remember my family members being there and everyone crying.  Everyone but me.  I didn’t really know what to feel.  Not then.  I was sad, but I didn’t know how sad it really was, or how sad I’d be later when I thought about her.  Dad and Connie were in a daze for a long time after that.  When she got pregnant with my younger brother a year later I still remember everybody being scared it would happen again.  When he came early, I remember being so scared that I wouldn’t get to have a baby brother.  But he was healthy and has grown big and strong since then.

I don’t have any pictures of Faith.  I wish I did.  I thought about that when I decided to write about her today.  The only picture I have is a very old one from shortly after she was buried of her headstone.  When people ask me how many siblings I have, my first response is two.  I always answer two.  Partially because I don’t feel the need to explain any further than that, but to be honest – sometimes I don’t even think about it.  I never had Faith in my life.  I never got to be her big brother.  I never got to hold her like my parents did.  I never got to play tea party with her.  I didn’t get to do any of the things a big brother should do.  I wish I had.

I’m about to go see my dad and step-mom and my little brother, and we’re going to go out to the cemetery to visit Faith.  It’s been years since I’ve been.  I don’t know why.  Happy birthday Faith.  I love you.

The headstone of Faith's grave

I’m going to skip to Sunday since that was when everything seemed to fall into place for the perfect weekend.  Keith and I spent almost the whole afternoon lounging around my apartment just relaxing in each other’s company, something that after 6 months we still enjoy.  Speaking for myself, there isn’t a day that goes by that he isn’t the foremost thought on my mind, and the primary reason for any random smile that breaks across my face.  A three minutes conversation on the phone can pick up the dreariest day and bring sunshine back into my perception again.  He doesn’t see it in himself, but he is so loving and warm and selfless that it makes me want to be the same for him, and for six months now I’ve strived to do so – and I’ll continue to do so for the next six months and so on.

For lunch we went out to Chili’s (where we had met for the first time for our first date) and just enjoyed being with each other.  I know it sounds cheesy and corny and all those things that single people find annoying in non-single people, but it’s true.  Just being with each other felt like more than enough entertainment and we kinda just talked and ate and had a great time.  For dinner we got Pei-Wei and took it back to my place so we could watch TV and relax some more for the evening.  After dinner Keith told me he forgot something at his apartment and had to go get it, then he’d be back.  I honestly didn’t think much of it, though looking back I suppose I should have.

About 15-20 minutes later he knocked on the door and when I opened it I was shocked to see him holding a Baskin Robin’s ice cream cake for me.  He knows I don’t care for cake very much, but that as a kid I always loved ice cream cakes, so he’d planned on running to get one once we’d settled in for the night.  It was such a wonderful surprise that I almost cried.  He’s so sweet to me.  He then told me he couldn’t wait a moment longer and wanted to give me my birthday present.  I opened it to find the Nintendo DS game “Pokemon Platinum”.  For those of you laughing, cease and desist – I loved it.  I’ve practically played it nonstop since he handed it over, and it’s great.  I know it’s a little childish but I don’t care, and what I love about Keith is that neither does he.  The poor thing was genuinely terrified that he’d misjudged me and that I’d hate it.  I hope I was able to convince him how on-the-spot the gift truly was, and how much I’m going to enjoy playing it, thinking of him each time I do so.

Monday morning we did some running around, then Keith told me what he had planned for my actual birthday.  Apparently he remembered months ago when I mentioned to him that I thought it’d be fun if we went to the GameWorks at the Grapevine Mills Mall to play arcade games together, because that’s exactly what he had in mind.  We had lunch in the restaurant upstairs, and had the place all to ourselves.  We both ordered one of the most delicious mini-pizzas I’ve ever had the satisfaction of devouring, and then when I confessed it was my birthday to the waitress (in the hopes of scoring freebies) she brought me a little bowl of ice cream.  We then spent about two hours running around the place playing all our childhood favorites.  He then made the day even more perfect by allowing me to sneak a kiss in a semi-private hallway even though there were people all around.  Nobody saw, but the fact that he kissed me in public brought the goofiest smile to my face, and it didn’t go away for hours.

I spent the rest of the afternoon/evening with family and then called it a night.  Between the special day with Keith on Sunday, and my birthday on Monday, it was the best weekend I can ever remember having.  Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes, and special thanks to Keith for making it so perfect.