I have been without a job for almost four full months now.  That’s ridiculous.  I never thought it would take me this long to find something else after being laid off by Citi, but it has.  In all this time, I’ve had one interview and it was only by phone; I never heard back about scheduling one in person despite numerous attempts to follow-up.  Each week goes by with more applications going out, and no phone calls coming in.  For the first couple months I would go out almost every day to spend time with friends and relax just because I could.  Now I do so because I can’t stand the sight of the inside of my apartment.  On the days when I’m home, it’s practically torture to stare at the same walls all day, every day, with little time away.  The days just keep dragging on, and I find every excuse possible to stay busy so I don’t notice just how long I’ve really been unemployed.

I keep telling myself that I’m not useless.  I only do so because so many people around me have jumped all over me whenever I even hint that I’m feeling that way.  Since I was a junior in high school, I’ve only felt useful when working.  The few times I’ve been without work, it’s always been a very short time and I never had to put much thought into it.  Now I’m looking at how long I’ve gone without work.  Part of me wants to say it’s the way the economy is right now, and that there aren’t many jobs, but that’s just not the case in actuality.  There are jobs – I’ve seen them and applied for them – but none of them want me.  It’s a harsh truth, but there it is.

I have always been a night person, but more so lately than ever before.  It’s rare for me to be tired enough for bed before 2 a.m. and then I sleep in until around 11 each morning.  I usually wake up around 7 or 8 naturally, but I just don’t have anything to do to fill the time nowadays, so I just roll back over and sleep.  I send out resumes, I apply for jobs online, I pass out my business cards just about everywhere I go, but nothing comes of any of it.  I feel like I’m just moving from one day to the next, never really making progress.  I want a job.  I want to work.  I want to be useful again.

I am by no means stating that I believe all the fault lies with the consumer, but I will also not pretend to place blame entirely on the lending companies.  I can’t say whether the fault is 50/50, but I do know that it is split between the two.  I’ve had many discussions with friends and family about this issue, and feel very strongly about it for a number of reasons.

One of the many lessons I remember from my childhood (having had most of them repeated over and over again throughout the years since as a young boy I refused to listen) is that you have to accept blame for your actions.  You can’t stand up and accept the praise for something you did right if you refuse to stand up and own the consequences of something you did wrong.  Unfortunately, that’s exactly what the majority of these homeowners are trying to do right now.  They shouted from the rooftops when they were granted the exhorbitant mortgage loans that they asked for, and now they’re crying from the gutter when they couldn’t pay those mortgages and their homes were foreclosed.

I’m not some horrible tyrant who is happy these people are losing their homes.  By no means do I want to see them homeless and without a safe place to stay.  However, they put themselves in this position of their own free will.  Nobody came up to them and told them to forget about their $30,000 annual income and apply for a $250,000 home loan.  And even if they did, anyone who said “okay” and went straight to the bank to take out that loan is an absolute fool.  It’s simple math.  It’s not a complex calculation that requires a genius or accountant or real estate agent – it requires a pen and paper and a 4th grade education.  My 10 year old brother could easily explain the dynamics of the equation to these people.  Granted, that’s not quite fair since he is a little genius, but the point remains the same.  The below math is generic and estimated, but you’ll get the idea:

$250,000 home loan + Accrued interest = (Average monthly mortgage payment) * (Number of years to be paid out) * (12 months per year)
$250,000 + ? = $900 * (30 Years * 12 Months)
$250,000 + ? = $324,000
$250,000 + $74,000 = $324,000

This is crude math.  The last thing I need to hear is how it’s not exactly right.  I was very generous with the interest to make a point.  If you’ll look at the second line you’ll notice that even with only a $900 monthly payment (barely more than I pay for a one bedroom apartment just outside of Dallas), you’re committing yourself to over $10,000 a year in mortgage payments.  When you only make $30,000 before taxes, that means you’ve decided that over 1/3 of the money you bring home every year goes straight to a mortgage.  How does that make sense?  Or how does it even add up?  It doesn’t.  And this is why people are losing their homes.  They felt so fancy that they were approved for the huge loan they asked for, that they never stopped to think if they could really pay for it all.

What’s even more frustrating is that the individuals being foreclosed who are having these problems are being granted the ability to refinance at a lower interest rate and extend the timeframe of their mortgage, but the individuals who are not in this negative state are not being granted the same opportunity.  So you have the irresponsible people who never should’ve taken out the loan in the first place being granted special priviliges, and those who have been cutting back and managing to pay their mortgage entirely and on time are not getting any such benefits or priviliges; instead, their taxes are going to help out their irresponsible neighbors instead.  I find this sickening.  Reward the ones who don’t deserve it, and punish those who do?  Our government exhibits such wonderful logic.

Yes, there is some blame to be laid at the feet of the lenders.  While the consumer should never have asked for such an astronomical loan when their income was so low, the lender should’ve evaluated their available monetary income to see right away it would never work in the long run.  But they didn’t.  Why?  Because it’s a business and the business isn’t concerned with how you’re going to make your payments, just that you make them.  And if you don’t make them, they take back your house.  They still come out at a loss, but they’re hoping that’s incentive enough for you to find a way to make good on the contract you signed with them when they agreed to give you the money.  Silly them, because they’re quickly finding that it’s not.

Now everyone is asking for a handout.  The mortgage companies want a bailout because they lost so much money from people who couldn’t afford to pay back the loans they took out.  The consumer because they’re losing their home because “the big bad lending company” took advantage of them.  Everyone’s pointing fingers and nobody’s willing to take the blame.  Both are at fault and neither will admit it.  Our economy did not randomly start spiraling downwards.  There are always factors that elicit a reaction.  This just happens to be one of the big ones.

I would like nothing more than to own a home right now.  I pay almost as much in apartment rent as I would to own a home and pay a mortgage, but I know better than that.  I know that I’m not ready, financially and otherwise, to own my own house just yet.  I’d like to, but I’m not quite there.  Could I get approved for a loan and jump in headfirst anyways?  Yes, I’m sure I could.  I have good credit and while my salary isn’t by any means huge, it’s enough to get a moderate home loan.  But I won’t do it because I know better.  I’m not a genius, I just have common sense.  All I dare to ask for and hope for is that the rest of America (and the world) exhibit signs of the same.  Sadly, I just don’t think it’s going to happen anytime soon.

There are some good sides and bad sides to every situation, and I’m trying to remain optimistic.  But it’s difficult.  I loved this job when I first started, and used to rave about it and the company to anyone who was caught standing still for a few seconds.  But over the past two years my opinion both of my position and my employer have drastically degraded to the point that I despised not only what I was doing, but myself for not making the effort to change it.  I’m not one to blame others for everything wrong in my life.  I long ago accepted that if I truly wanted a change, I’d step out there and make an effort, but I never did.

Meetings are being held all week to discuss how this affects us and when over the next two month transition period we’ll actually be individually let go.  On the plus side, I’ll be granted a severance package of some sort and extended benefits to be paid for by the company.  On the downside, they aren’t indefinite and I’ll have to hope I can find a suitable replacement job (preferably a step above my current position) quickly.  On the plus side, all the money they’ve contributed towards my school tuition will be forgiven and I won’t have to pay them a dime.  On the downside, my few short years with the company don’t ultimately add to much in the corporate world when considering amount of experience for another position elsewhere.

I have a couple months to look for another job, and will fervently do so.  I haven’t decided whether or not I will actively pursue any other positions within this same company, but my first inclination is to look elsewhere.  I haven’t been happy here and the company as a whole is poorly managed with skewed priorities, at least in my opinion.

I’m going to turn this into something positive.  Being negative complaining about this situation will get me nowhere.  I have faith that something good will come of these bad circumstances.  I can do this.

Last week the bank Washington Mutual went under and was bought out by JPMorgan Chase.  This hits a little close to home as I used to bank with WaMu for years.  I’m sure everyone who had money with them is still fine, but you can’t help but feel a little unsettled when the people handling your money have to openly admit that they can’t handle their own.

On top of that, it was announced yesterday that CitiGroup would be acquiring all the Wachovia branches and other areas having to do with their banking.  Wachovia as an entity will still exist due to the fact that they have dealings outside the banking industry, but it’s still intimidating to think that everyone who banks with them just got rolled over into another bank by no choice of their own.

Another example is that the Lehman Brothers bank was bought out by Barclays Capital.  This was really the beginning of the end if you look at it from a timeline point of view.  This destabilization started a ripple effect that we’re all feeling.  This started talks of a downward spiral that the government was contemplating stepping in to prevent, but that didn’t go quite according to plan.

Yesterday afternoon the House of Representatives rejected a $700 billion bailout plan and as a result the DOW plummetted a massive 777.88 points, the largest decrease in one day in the history of the stock market.  And as selfish as I’ll readily admit it was, my first thought was not for anyone but myself.  “What’s gonna happen to my 401k?” I thought.  I’ve been contributing for over a year and a half and have a nice chunk of money in it.  Nothing huge, but a sum I’m proud to say I set aside for my future without spending on something frivolous in the present.  However, due to stock market trends I’ve steadily lost money as I contributed, and have seen a decline of over $400 recently.  That’s not even taking into account the waves that have been created in the past 2 weeks.  I’m afraid to check my 401k today to see where it’s at.

I’m trying to remain optimistic though.  It can’t last forever, right?  I don’t believe for a second that the American economy will completely crumble and that I’ll be foraging for food in the wilderness within the year.  I’ve heard arguments both for and against the idea that we’re entering another era of Great Depression.  I can’t say whether or not I think this is true because I honestly just don’t know enough about happened the first time around.  But after all that’s gone on recently, it may be time for a little history review.