While I don’t intend to avoid alcohol the same way forever, I do think it’s wise to shy away from the over indulgences of my “youth”.  I’ve never considered myself an alcoholic by any means of the imagination, but the times that I did drink it was almost always more than I should’ve.  Now I’m just going to be more careful.  Fun can be had without going so far as to losing control.  My dad bought me three bottles of liquor over two years ago, and two of those bottles have still yet to be opened.  I kinda feel like I’m trying to justify myself and prove that I’m not an alcoholic, when in reality I don’t think I should have to.  I just know that sometimes appearances can be deceiving, and I want to be very clear on this.

I’ve made some stupid decisions regarding alcohol in the past, something I hope to not perpetuate again in the future.  I’m in no rush to run out and drink now that year has passed, but I also won’t feel the need to pass whenever a friend asks me if I want to go out for a drink or have a margarita with dinner.  I can have fun within limits.  I just have to outline those limits for myself, and stick to them, something I know I can do.

The year without alcohol is over, but that doesn’t mean a year of drunken debauchery is beginning.  It just means that the first time I have alcohol after so long, I better be prepared to be knocked on my ass from one or two drinks.

I didn’t really know the kid when we went to school together.  And to be completely honest, what I did know of him I didn’t like.  I was picked on a lot as a child, teased for being smart and quiet and not athletic, and I distinctly remember this kid being one of the many who bullied me.  But sitting there and reading that he’d died, I felt like I would cry.  I don’t know why.  Obviously the loss of any human life is something to be somber about, but I hadn’t seen or thought of him in almost a decade – why would his death be causing me such emotional turmoil?

As I sat there I realized that I was being confronted with my own mortality.  His obituary didn’t say what he’d died of, so I was left in the dark and unwilling to contact anyone who knew him to ask the question of them.  Was it a car crash?  Was it medical?  Was it drugs?  Did anyone even know?  I have no clue, and it’s truly not important.  What is important is that it made me realize that I’m not guaranteed to live to be 80.  I can’t walk around sure of the fact that I’m going to grow old and live a lengthy and productive life.  Because there is no guarantee.  This guy learned that the hard way unfortunately, and his passing helped to make me realize it as well.

I guess we all just need to realize that we take life for granted.  I know I do at least.  I don’t give much thought to the fact that tomorrow could be the end; I guess that’s for the best, because if you get too wrapped up in that kind of morbid thinking, it could be what ultimately kills you.  But I do think it’s healthy and wise to be aware of the fact that not everybody makes it to the grand finish line of life.  Some people are going to stumble halfway, and some don’t make it past the starting line.  I’m lucky to have gotten this far, and I’m gonna do my best to make sure I make it to the end.  One  thing is certain though – as competitive as I am in most areas of life, this is one race I have no intention of finishing first.

January was the beginning of my unemployment.  I’d been laid off from CitiGroup effective the end of December, and I began what I thought would only be a short stint of being jobless.  Little did I know that it would be another 6 months before I would get so much as an interview, let alone another 2 months after that before I’d finally find a job (thanks to a former Citi coworker [further proving that it's more "who you know" than "what you know"]).  In the meantime, I started my own IT consulting company, which didn’t take off quite as well as I wanted.  It kept money flowing in while I had no job, but it wasn’t anywhere near being an income replacement.  The company still exists and I still work under the company name, but it’s not on a level with what I was hoping for.  I can only hope that word will continue to spread, and that it will get bigger over time.

In March I traveled out to Arizona to help out my grandmother while my grandfather was in the hospital.  He spent weeks in the hospital developing numerous complications, and there was a period of time where my grandmother finally broke down, fearing that she would lose him.  While she was in the hospital dealing with doctors and nurses and waiting to hear back after yet another surgery, I had the task of going outside and calling my father and aunt and uncle to let them know that there might come a time shortly when they’d need to come out immediately to say their final good-byes.  The calls were hard to make, but luckily it never came to that.  He recovered, albeit slowly, and I left shortly before he was released from rehab to finally make it home again.  I saw him again many months later when they visited Texas, and it brought a smile to my face to see him up and walking around again after having seen him so weak in a hospital bed for so long.

My birthday rolled around (again) in May, and Keith made it the best birthday ever.  He treated me so special and made a big deal out of it, something that I’ve never really had done, but always not-so-secretly wanted.  He did that for me, and I’ll never forget it.  And it wasn’t just that day either, but all the time.  He makes the littlest things feel so important and wonderful, and it makes life so much more enjoyable.  He gives me reasons to smile when I feel like nothing is going as it should.

Summer flew by and at the end of August I finally got a job.  I’m still a consultant, but a job as a temp is better than no job at all, and maybe someday soon it’ll become a permanent position.  I can only hope.  Going from such a structured and intense work environment like Citi to somewhere as relaxed and enjoyable as where I’m at now was a wonderful bit of culture shock.  I was prepared to be immersed in the corporate world all over again, but it never really happened.  I work at a high rise in Dallas, and I feel fancy when I go into work every day, but it’s a job that I finally feel a sense of accomplishment for doing.  Like what I come into the office for each morning makes a difference somehow, and that I’m not just answering a phone call from someone making well over six figures asking me how to open their email and print a file anymore.

November was my one year anniversary with Keith.  It’s hard to look back on the past year and realize that Keith has been there the whole time.  I never thought I’d have someone like that, someone so wonderful in my life, there by my side through it all.  He’s been there for me, and I’ve been there for him.  Things are going so great.  It’s frustrating to me that many of my family members have no desire to meet this person so special to me.  That because I’m not in the kind of relationship they want (with a woman), my relationship can’t possibly be real or loving or as fulfilling as theirs.  Those that have taken the time to meet him have all told me how obvious it is that we’re wonderful together.  In over a year of being together, I’ve never introduced him to a single person who has later said anything negative about him or us as a couple.  I even had the chance to meet some of his coworkers and his manager for his department’s Christmas party this year, and he told me later that they all enjoyed meeting me as well.  I wish that people would open their eyes and hearts and realize that even though things aren’t always what you want or think should be, they can still be really great.  I love Keith with all my heart, something I make sure to tell him every single day.  How many other people can say the same thing?

This last month has been a trying one.  I almost failed my first Master’s level course in college, but I barely pulled it out at the end of the semester by studying hard for the final and sliding by with a C.  That’s not something I’m terribly proud of, but at least I passed.  I made an effort to understand a course with material that was in no way familiar or easy to me, and I made it.  I got very sick the day after Christmas – sicker than I think I’ve ever been before – and could barely walk around the apartment that morning.  And then Keith came over.  He took care of me.  He got me to eat food, even though I couldn’t keep anything down.  He went out and bought me Sprite to calm my stomach, and nausea medicine to help even more.  He stayed by my side all day, even when the medicine knocked me out on the couch.  I’ve taken care of him when he’s been sick, but I hadn’t been sick enough for him to have to do the same for me.  That day opened my eyes as to yet another reason he’s so wonderful.  When the situation calls for it, I know I can lean on him for support.  I can’t even articulate how comforting that is.

The day after I was so sick, I woke up feeling not great, but much better than before.  As the day rolled on I improved, and Keith and I even made a trip to Arlington to visit my dad.  On the way home we were in an accident.  Neither of us were hurt, but as I got my insurance card out of the glove compartment I looked in the rearview mirror to see the woman drive off.  I didn’t have time to get a license plate number.  I didn’t even have a chance to get out and look at the damage to my car.  An eye witness a few moments later came up to us and told us that she’d seen the woman driving the other vehicle actually get out of her car, check the damage to her own vehicle, and then get back in and drive off.  Unfortunately the witness hadn’t seen the license plate either, but I still appreciate her coming over and giving me her info in case it helped.  All-in-all over $1500 worth of damage was done to my car, and with the bumper tied to my car with rope so it wouldn’t fall off and cause another accident, I took it in today to a body shop and left it there for repairs.  My insurance covers all but my deductible, and even got me a rental car, so the situation isn’t as bad as it could be.  It just frustrates and hurts me that someone out there is so callous and selfish that she caused an accident, then made sure her own car was safe to drive and then fled.

But even with the ups and the downs, the goods and the bad, the best of times and worst of times, I feel that 2009 wasn’t a waste.  It wasn’t the worst year ever.  It was just a year.  One which I’m happy to see over in many ways, but will still look back on and smile for the good times it holds.  2010 is going to be here shortly, and I go into it with my head held high hoping to make good things happen for myself and for those around me.  It’s not just the beginning of a new year, but of a new decade.  Bring it on life.

It’s hard sometimes for me to actually look at myself in the mirror and admit that time has passed, and that I’m an adult now.  I still see the me of high school and college sometimes, and I wonder what exactly has changed since then.  Obviously certain things have changed as time progressed, but I’m still essentially the same person I was a few years ago.

It’s hard to equate that child I see in the mirror with the person I am today.  The one who lives on his own and works a 40 hour week to pay his bills and survive from month to month.  The one who is in a loving relationship, when years ago I thought that I’d never find love.  Young though he is, the boy in the mirror feels like life is just going to go on as it has been going, being alone and desperate for someone to love and be loved by.

Time goes by both infinitely slowly and unerringly quickly.  A month can seem like a year, and a year can seem like a month.  Perception depends upon your experiences.  The face in the mirror tells me that I’ve experienced both.  I’ve seen time slow to an agonizing crawl, seemingly beating me over the head with life every single day.  I’ve also seen time fly by, with love and joy seemingly having just been introduced into my life, when in actuality they have been present for quite some time now.

The next time I see that face in the mirror, I’ll smile at him and I know he’ll smile back.  Because if I’m looking at him and remembering where I come from, then maybe he can look at me and see where he’s going.  And as crazy as things may seem sometimes, he needs to know that it’s all going to be just fine.

Today would’ve been my little sister’s 12th birthday.

People who know me generally only know of my two brothers.  Both are half-brothers by a different parent, but I’ve never really given that any thought.  Both are my brothers and are known to everyone around me as such; there’s no point in focusing on the fact that they don’t share both parents with me since that doesn’t mean I love either of them any less.  What I don’t talk about very often is that I also had a sister.  Had/have.  I never really know how to say that.  How to talk about her.  Faith was born 12 years ago today, but was too premature and unfortunately couldn’t make it on her own.  She survived for 7 days and then they had to let her go because she wasn’t going to get any better.  I hope this doesn’t sound callous, but please understand that I was 11 years old when all this happened.  The specifics are still very vague to me because it isn’t something I’ve ever wanted to ask my dad or step-mom to explain to me.  It would kill me to ask them to relive it anymore than absolutely necessary, so I’d rather just remember what I can.

I was in middle school when Connie was pregnant with Faith.  She used to watch me and my middle brother (the younger hadn’t been born yet) after school at my mom’s house.  I remember her being pregnant.  And I vaguely remember when things started going wrong.  As an 11 year old I didn’t have much comprehension of what was going on, just what I could see and understand.  When Faith was born she was very early, and very small.  Everybody knew it was going to be a critical situation, so grandparents came into town to see her and be with my dad and Connie while they tried to keep it together.  I do remember that much.  I’d never seen my dad walk around with such a blank stare on his face.  There was no laughter in his eyes like there usually was.  Every spare minute he had was spent at the hospital with Faith.  Same with my step-mom.

I remember being allowed to see her for the first time.  She was in a very sterile part of the hospital, so when I went in I had to scrub up to make sure I wasn’t carrying in any germs that might hurt her.  She was so tiny.  So small.  Even being so young I knew it wasn’t right and even then it made me sad to see her like that.  She was my little sister and without saying it out loud, everyone knew that it wasn’t looking good.  I wish it had turned out different, but that’s not what happened.  I remember the hospital calling my dad when she took a turn for the worse, and he raced to the hospital to hold her in his arms for the last time.  I was too young to really understand what it meant that they were taking her off life support, but they knew then and I know now.

Her funeral was the first funeral I can ever remember attending.  I got to see her in the funeral home before we went to the cemetery and buried her.  Someone sang.  Someone spoke.  I don’t remember any of it.  I just remember my family members being there and everyone crying.  Everyone but me.  I didn’t really know what to feel.  Not then.  I was sad, but I didn’t know how sad it really was, or how sad I’d be later when I thought about her.  Dad and Connie were in a daze for a long time after that.  When she got pregnant with my younger brother a year later I still remember everybody being scared it would happen again.  When he came early, I remember being so scared that I wouldn’t get to have a baby brother.  But he was healthy and has grown big and strong since then.

I don’t have any pictures of Faith.  I wish I did.  I thought about that when I decided to write about her today.  The only picture I have is a very old one from shortly after she was buried of her headstone.  When people ask me how many siblings I have, my first response is two.  I always answer two.  Partially because I don’t feel the need to explain any further than that, but to be honest – sometimes I don’t even think about it.  I never had Faith in my life.  I never got to be her big brother.  I never got to hold her like my parents did.  I never got to play tea party with her.  I didn’t get to do any of the things a big brother should do.  I wish I had.

I’m about to go see my dad and step-mom and my little brother, and we’re going to go out to the cemetery to visit Faith.  It’s been years since I’ve been.  I don’t know why.  Happy birthday Faith.  I love you.

The headstone of Faith's grave

I’m going to skip to Sunday since that was when everything seemed to fall into place for the perfect weekend.  Keith and I spent almost the whole afternoon lounging around my apartment just relaxing in each other’s company, something that after 6 months we still enjoy.  Speaking for myself, there isn’t a day that goes by that he isn’t the foremost thought on my mind, and the primary reason for any random smile that breaks across my face.  A three minutes conversation on the phone can pick up the dreariest day and bring sunshine back into my perception again.  He doesn’t see it in himself, but he is so loving and warm and selfless that it makes me want to be the same for him, and for six months now I’ve strived to do so – and I’ll continue to do so for the next six months and so on.

For lunch we went out to Chili’s (where we had met for the first time for our first date) and just enjoyed being with each other.  I know it sounds cheesy and corny and all those things that single people find annoying in non-single people, but it’s true.  Just being with each other felt like more than enough entertainment and we kinda just talked and ate and had a great time.  For dinner we got Pei-Wei and took it back to my place so we could watch TV and relax some more for the evening.  After dinner Keith told me he forgot something at his apartment and had to go get it, then he’d be back.  I honestly didn’t think much of it, though looking back I suppose I should have.

About 15-20 minutes later he knocked on the door and when I opened it I was shocked to see him holding a Baskin Robin’s ice cream cake for me.  He knows I don’t care for cake very much, but that as a kid I always loved ice cream cakes, so he’d planned on running to get one once we’d settled in for the night.  It was such a wonderful surprise that I almost cried.  He’s so sweet to me.  He then told me he couldn’t wait a moment longer and wanted to give me my birthday present.  I opened it to find the Nintendo DS game “Pokemon Platinum”.  For those of you laughing, cease and desist – I loved it.  I’ve practically played it nonstop since he handed it over, and it’s great.  I know it’s a little childish but I don’t care, and what I love about Keith is that neither does he.  The poor thing was genuinely terrified that he’d misjudged me and that I’d hate it.  I hope I was able to convince him how on-the-spot the gift truly was, and how much I’m going to enjoy playing it, thinking of him each time I do so.

Monday morning we did some running around, then Keith told me what he had planned for my actual birthday.  Apparently he remembered months ago when I mentioned to him that I thought it’d be fun if we went to the GameWorks at the Grapevine Mills Mall to play arcade games together, because that’s exactly what he had in mind.  We had lunch in the restaurant upstairs, and had the place all to ourselves.  We both ordered one of the most delicious mini-pizzas I’ve ever had the satisfaction of devouring, and then when I confessed it was my birthday to the waitress (in the hopes of scoring freebies) she brought me a little bowl of ice cream.  We then spent about two hours running around the place playing all our childhood favorites.  He then made the day even more perfect by allowing me to sneak a kiss in a semi-private hallway even though there were people all around.  Nobody saw, but the fact that he kissed me in public brought the goofiest smile to my face, and it didn’t go away for hours.

I spent the rest of the afternoon/evening with family and then called it a night.  Between the special day with Keith on Sunday, and my birthday on Monday, it was the best weekend I can ever remember having.  Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes, and special thanks to Keith for making it so perfect.

I have been without a job for almost four full months now.  That’s ridiculous.  I never thought it would take me this long to find something else after being laid off by Citi, but it has.  In all this time, I’ve had one interview and it was only by phone; I never heard back about scheduling one in person despite numerous attempts to follow-up.  Each week goes by with more applications going out, and no phone calls coming in.  For the first couple months I would go out almost every day to spend time with friends and relax just because I could.  Now I do so because I can’t stand the sight of the inside of my apartment.  On the days when I’m home, it’s practically torture to stare at the same walls all day, every day, with little time away.  The days just keep dragging on, and I find every excuse possible to stay busy so I don’t notice just how long I’ve really been unemployed.

I keep telling myself that I’m not useless.  I only do so because so many people around me have jumped all over me whenever I even hint that I’m feeling that way.  Since I was a junior in high school, I’ve only felt useful when working.  The few times I’ve been without work, it’s always been a very short time and I never had to put much thought into it.  Now I’m looking at how long I’ve gone without work.  Part of me wants to say it’s the way the economy is right now, and that there aren’t many jobs, but that’s just not the case in actuality.  There are jobs – I’ve seen them and applied for them – but none of them want me.  It’s a harsh truth, but there it is.

I have always been a night person, but more so lately than ever before.  It’s rare for me to be tired enough for bed before 2 a.m. and then I sleep in until around 11 each morning.  I usually wake up around 7 or 8 naturally, but I just don’t have anything to do to fill the time nowadays, so I just roll back over and sleep.  I send out resumes, I apply for jobs online, I pass out my business cards just about everywhere I go, but nothing comes of any of it.  I feel like I’m just moving from one day to the next, never really making progress.  I want a job.  I want to work.  I want to be useful again.

I was laid off from my job at Citi at the end of December.  I was considered “on notice” until today, but as of tomorrow I’m officially unemployed.  I’ll be looking up the information online to file for unemployment for the first time in my life, something I had hoped to never have to do.  I know my tax dollars are what funds the unemployment process, but something about it has always sounded so dirty and trashy to me.  To have to require that money from the government just to survive always sounded so low and unseemly to me.  Tomorrow I will have no choice but to get down on my knees and beg and pray for that money.

I took all the necessary steps to start my own IT consulting business at the end of January.  It took a while to get it up and off the ground, but I now have a logo, business cards, and will soon be designing my own website to help attract business.  However, I have yet to have any true interest shown and haven’t been able to really find any new clients.  I went to a small party today and passed around my business cards to complete strangers in the hopes that one of them might need me, or at least know someone who does.  I felt like such a whore pawning myself off on people I didn’t even know, hoping to eventually get some money out of it, but I’m running out of options.  I’m still trying to apply to normal jobs because I can’t be sure the business will take off after all like I thought it would.  It’s hard work starting your own business and being self-employed.  I knew that going in, but I guess I just thought I’d be able to do it without much difficulty.  I was so very wrong.

I’m in a finance class right now at school, and it’s destroying me.  The pressure is tremendous, and the material is way over my head.  The business school expects me to make an A in the class to maintain my GPA, and if I don’t I’ll likely be expelled from the program.  I’m already on academic probation due to making C’s in accounting and statistics.  Let’s see…do we notice a trend here?  James Dean isn’t too good at the advanced mathematics course.  Shocker.  I’ve done great in the business courses regarding management and marketing, but anything with advanced math is completely beyond my grasp.  And it kills me that I bust my ass and sometimes just end up with a C, but at the same time, that’s good enough for me.  But it’s not good enough for them.  They don’t care that I didn’t fail any of the classes; they’re just pissed that I didn’t make an A or a B.  So I have to make an A or I’ll likely be expelled, but at the least I’ll be suspended.  And the real kicker – I made a 56 on the first of three tests we’ll be taking.  What does that mean?  It means that if I make a perfect score on the next two tests, I’ll still end up with a B.  Fantastic.  I’m gonna be a graduate school dropout.

On top of all that, over the past month I have had to put almost $1000 into my 6 year old car to keep it running.  The list of things that had to be repaired or replaced just goes on and on, but suffice it to say, I never paid for anything that wasn’t necessary.  Well, I take that back.  I paid to have the automatic locks fixed when they went out (at the same time as some other under-the-hood part), but I didn’t pay extra to have the keyless entry/alarm reconnected afterwards.  But as though God threw me a bone, my keyless entry randomly started working again a couple days ago.  I accidentally hit a button on the remote when I was getting out of my car and all the locks opened.  It made me very happy, and  even now, every time I walk out to the car and the keyless entry still works I have a big smile on my face.  I’m just praying nothing else breaks requiring more money.  This car isn’t worth it to me to keep putting more and more money into it that I just don’t have.  Even if I were still working at Citi I wouldn’t have had $1000 to spare for car repairs.  I’m at the end of my rope, and it’s going to turn into a noose any day now.

To top it all off, I recently tried to mend a broken friendship, and have been completely ignored.  I lost a friend at the end of last year that I thought would always be at my side, and never heard from him again.  I tried to tell myself I didn’t care, but it just wasn’t true.  So earlier this week I emailed him and told him that I missed him and wanted to talk and try and fix what’s been shattered, but I got no reply.  Each day without a reply hurt more and more, not less and less like I thought it would.  I thought that once I got everything off my chest, I’d feel better and any reply from him would just be bonus.  But I was wrong.  I wanted that reply.  I needed it.  I still do.  I want to know that our friendship wasn’t meaningless.  That I wasn’t just someone to occupy his time until the slightest argument and then I’d be tossed aside.  I’m mad at myself, but I’m mad at him too.  We’re two grown men, and I can’t even get him to talk to me.  I feel like I’m in grade school again.  Like I just passed him a note in the hallway between classes, and asked him if he still wants to be friends – circle “yes” or “no” and give me the note back next period.  Problem is, it seems he just threw the note away and took a different path to next period, avoiding me altogether.  I want the dreams of him to stop.  I want the frustration and hurt to fade away.  I want to know one way or the other what to make of all this.  And I fear I may never get that closure.  Once before I had a similar problem, and it tore me up for years afterwards.  I don’t want to go through that again.

Keith and I are still together, happier than we were when we first started dating.  There are days when we snap at each other, and days where we avoid the other for whatever reason, but it never lasts more than just that day.  By the next day we miss the other so much that we’re practically beating down their door wanting to spend time together.  He’s met my dad a couple times, and even met Connie and Nathan.  He really likes them all (which doesn’t much surprise me), and told me he wouldn’t be against seeing them again.  They all liked him too.  I don’t know how much Nathan comprehends, but he and Keith got to talk about pokemon over lunch, so Nathan automatically thinks he’s cool, and Keith feels a bond there already.  It makes me happy that he gets along with them so well.  He’s a big part of my life now, and I don’t want him to be left out on the sidelines for any reason.  Through everything that’s happened over the past few months, he’s stuck by me and helped to keep me sane.  And vice versa to a certain degree, but sometimes I think he does way for me than I do for him in that regard.  I rely on him a lot for emotional support, and he never leaves me wanting.  He’s fantastic.  No matter what else comes my way, I know I can always retreat to his embrace and it will all be okay eventually.  I love him.

I’ve decided to try and pursue the consulting business.  I’ve wanted to work with computers outside of a corporate business since before I went to college for my IT degree.  I never really wanted to wear a suit and tie and tweak servers all day.  I want to work with individuals and small businesses to help them get technologically organized and setup in a way that will benefit them, and in the process benefit me.  Owning a house would be wonderful.  I know I’m still moderately young, but I’ve been in apartments since a week after graduating high school.  I’m tired of it.  I want a home.  But for now, I can’t do both, so I will just have to put everything I have into the business and hope it pays off.

People always say “you have to spend money to make money”.  Until recently, I never realized how true it was.  Just for my small business I’m going to be out of pocket over $1000 just in startup costs alone.  Not counting any office supplies or setting up a home-office in my apartment.  Not counting the new desktop computer I’ll be buying to be placed in that office to help with tracking business expenses and income.  It’s very scary to know that I have a set amount of money in my savings account, and no more is going in there until I start making money doing the consulting.  But I can’t do the consulting until I legally make myself an LLC and file for the domain and market myself with a website and business cards, etc etc, so on and so forth.  So I have to spend what little money I have in the hopes that it will yield higher returns.  How terrifying is that?

I have just over 1 month to get this started and begin recruiting clients.  I hope I can do it.

First and foremost, I want to be a little more healthy.  Yes, it’s the same resolution as just about everyone else in the world is making right now.  I’m not promising myself that I’ll hit the gym 5 times a week and eat less than 1500 calories a day.  I’m just telling myself that I need to cut down on fast food and replace even the diet soda with plain bottled water.  Not every day, but often.  I want to go back to the gym again.  I’ve been paying for a membership that I’ve refused to use lately and that’s just idiotic.  I’ve got to get serious about being more healthy.

In the past I’ve always made a resolution to find someone to begin a relationship with.  While I no longer need to make that particular resolution, I do intend to keep working at the one I have.  By no means is finding someone the end of the effort.  I want to make sure I’m the best possible person I could be both for Keith and for myself.  The effort isn’t over just because we’re together.  As anyone in a relationship can tell you, that’s when the real work begins.  I want to continue being the man that makes him happy, and I’m going to work to make sure that doesn’t change.

I’ve always been pessimistic and lately it’s really been bothering me.  I have a lot on my plate and I’m stressing out, but I can’t let it get me down like it has been.  I have to realize that stressing out and looking at things negatively isn’t going to help anything, and will most likely only serve to drive others away from me and that’s the last thing I want right now.  I simply have to take a deep breath and stop being so negative.  I think I’ll work in baby steps though.  For now, I’ll just worry about not vocalizing it as much; once I’ve got that down, then I’ll actually start changing my thought patterns.

That’s really all I have.  Nothing drastic.  Nothing major.  2008 taught me a lot, and I’m sure 2009 will as well.  Life is an adventure, and I’m anxious to see what 2009 holds for me and those around me.