My dad has worked in the restaurant industry since before I was born.  He’s managed all kinds of different restaurants, from Black Eyed Pea to Steak & Ale to Olive Garden, and so forth.  I remember him waking me up early some Saturday mornings when I was little and taking me with him to meetings up at the Black Eyed Pea.  The staff would get there and have meetings about whatever it was grown ups discussed; I didn’t care because I was given soda and crayons to color, and the remote control to the TV behind the bar so I could watch cartoons.  Sometimes we would stop and get donuts on the way in, and the lady would almost always give me a little bag of donut holes for free for “being so cute”.

Some Saturdays when there weren’t work meetings to attend, we’d get up and go to Putt-Putt to play mini-golf and video games.  This became a regular thing, something I looked forward to a lot.  Dad would give me the majority of the tokens to go off and play with, and he’d usually end up camping out at a virtual golf game.  Yup.  We’d go to play mini-golf and video games, and after playing mini-golf he’d come inside and play virtual golf.  Obsessed much?  I didn’t care, I got more tokens than he did and it suited me just fine.  Sometimes we’d even do the batting cages.  It always felt like it lasted all day, when in reality I’m sure it was only a couple hours.  But I loved it and looked forward to it.  We haven’t gone in years, and I miss it.

Another thing we used to do was go to Pancho’s and pig out on the fine mexican cuisine.  lol  Well…we pigged out, let’s just say that.  Sometimes we’d go on or around my birthday, and he’d have them sing to me and I’d get to pick out a piñata to take home with me.  I seem to remember having at least a couple of them shoved in my closet at one point.  Nowadays the dessert bar is pretty bare, and you’re lucky if you can even get ice cream.  But when I was younger, I would get ice cream and put chocolate sauce on it with little oreo crumbs and nuts and sometimes even gummi bears.  *sigh*  Those were the days.

We don’t do those things together anymore, but the relationship between us is still strong.  A prime example is how well he and Keith get along.  I had never been in a situation to introduce anyone I dated to my parents, but Keith was the first and Dad was great.  He actually was the one who kept asking when it would happen.  When he met Keith, he was really nice…in his typical dad-crazy way.  He made sure that both of us knew how happy he was for us, and it came across perfectly.  He’s accepted Keith as part of the family now, and I couldn’t be happier about it.  Sometimes I find out the two of them text message each other without me knowing, but it doesn’t bother me in the slightest.  On the contrary, it actually makes me feel really good knowing that they’re pretty close.  Dad has never judged me or treated me badly for being gay.  If anything, he’s been accepting and loving and making sure I know it will never change how much he cares for me.

I’m really lucky to have my father.  Our relationship has had it’s ups and downs over the years, but the great thing about it is that we always come out the other side all the better for it.

So to my dad, I love you and thank you for being there and helping create these long-lasting memories.  Happy father’s day.

While I don’t intend to avoid alcohol the same way forever, I do think it’s wise to shy away from the over indulgences of my “youth”.  I’ve never considered myself an alcoholic by any means of the imagination, but the times that I did drink it was almost always more than I should’ve.  Now I’m just going to be more careful.  Fun can be had without going so far as to losing control.  My dad bought me three bottles of liquor over two years ago, and two of those bottles have still yet to be opened.  I kinda feel like I’m trying to justify myself and prove that I’m not an alcoholic, when in reality I don’t think I should have to.  I just know that sometimes appearances can be deceiving, and I want to be very clear on this.

I’ve made some stupid decisions regarding alcohol in the past, something I hope to not perpetuate again in the future.  I’m in no rush to run out and drink now that year has passed, but I also won’t feel the need to pass whenever a friend asks me if I want to go out for a drink or have a margarita with dinner.  I can have fun within limits.  I just have to outline those limits for myself, and stick to them, something I know I can do.

The year without alcohol is over, but that doesn’t mean a year of drunken debauchery is beginning.  It just means that the first time I have alcohol after so long, I better be prepared to be knocked on my ass from one or two drinks.

I asked my manager to meet with me to discuss this new development.  He’d flat out told me back in February that he understood being a contractor wasn’t very stable work, and that he wouldn’t blame me for looking elsewhere – a fact I didn’t hesitate to bring up when he met with me 3 days after I initially requested the meeting.  I wanted to try and find some middle ground, to show him that I was willing, even anxious, to stay with Komen, but he didn’t seem to care.  The meeting consisted of me outlining my achievements in my time with the company, and the projects I was currently working on and what I had planned for the future, and why I felt it was time for him to meet me halfway and hire me.  While I was doing this, he was counterpointing with why he felt I wasn’t ready, and that he thought I just wasn’t “employee material” yet.

At one point he specifically told me in almost these exact words, “as a contractor, I can make one phone call to the staffing agency and in five minutes I’ll never have to see your face again.  As an employee I can still fire you, but I’d have to draw up performance evaluations, talk to HR, and possibly involve legal.”  I was shocked.  I asked if I had ever done anything to indicate that me being let go would ever even be an issue, and he quickly said that I hadn’t, but that you never know what’s gonna happen and if I were hired his options would be more limited as to how he could handle things.

That was enough for me.  I was tired of being treated as though I brought nothing to the team and that I wasn’t worth even being considered for a permanent position.  I laid it out on the table for him and said that with this other offer, I was prepared to leave if we couldn’t work something out.  He had already stated that he didn’t believe I was being productive enough to be hired (a fact I vehemently disagreed with), so I asked him that if he didn’t think I was that necessary, did he think the other person who works with me could handle the full workload on her own.  He stared at me and told me he didn’t get my meaning.  I looked at him and told him that I wanted to make it work, but would leave if we couldn’t.  All he could say was “okay”, and before I knew it I was already speaking the words that I’d never said before:  ”Consider this my official notice that I’m leaving the company.”

It was empowering, and terrifying all the same.  Again, I got an “okay” as a response and then the meeting was over.  I went back to my desk, and less than half an hour later he made an announcement to the entire IT department that I’d be leaving the company for another job.  Shock of all shocks, I recently found out that he had a friend of his from a previous job interview for my position, and that his friend will be hired shortly.  Show of hands, who’s surprised?  Anyone?  No one?  That’s what I thought.  Me either.  I worked my ass off trying to prove myself to him, and all along he was biding his time until I got tired of it and left, which I did, so he could bring in someone that didn’t know the job but was his buddy.  I’m so glad that people who make it to positions of management are able to put their own desires before the needs of the company; the person he had interview was obviously not technical in nature, and had no experience with the systems we use on a daily basis, and yet he got hired.  I find it very frustrating that he’d rather bring someone in with no experience and train them for weeks to months, just to do a job that I was already doing, merely so he didn’t have to hire me.  Personal reasons?  Probably.  But it’s done with now, and I don’t ever have to deal with him again.

This week was my first week with the new job, and I’m liking it so far.  The people are nice, and my cubicle is huge compared to any I’ve worked in before.  A strange thing to be considered a perk, but I love it all the same.  Leaving Komen was hard, but I didn’t feel that I had any other options.  In two interviews the new company I work for decided that I had enough potential to hire me as an employee from day one, yet my old manager couldn’t see that same potential after evaluating me for over 6 months.  Sometimes these things happen I guess, and I can only hope that it was for a reason.  Maybe this new company is where I’m supposed to be right now.  I’ll just have to wait and see.

We’d been discussing it for a long time, but the timing never really lined up in a way that would allow both of us to move out of current apartments and into a new one.  So when my apartment lease ended last year, I renewed it just long enough so that it’d end at the same time as Keith’s thus giving us the chance to either move in together at that point, or at least be on the same lease schedule so we could move in together in the future.  Luckily, April was the month to be, and everything kinda fell into place.

We got our places packed.  Well…he got his place packed, and I got mine somewhat packed, and then stayed up all night the day before the big move.  I still didn’t get close to finishing, and with 3 hours of sleep that night I was utterly exhausted during moving day.  Luckily we had movers to do all the work for us, and we just moved a few things that we didn’t want them to mess with like our computers and his LED TV, and a few other things.  Once they were all done, we both spent the next few days getting our old places emptied entirely of what the movers didn’t move for us, and then cleaned, and then we finally were able to call it quits and settle into our new home together.

We now live comfortably in a three bedroom apartment with a two car garage, and over 1600 square feet of living space.  :-)  It’s marvelous.  The only downside we’ve really noticed over the past month and a half has been how hard it is to keep this place cool; one side of the apt faces east, and the other faces west, so we catch the sun all day long.  We’re going to be investing in curtains as soon as possible, no doubt about that.  Other than that we had some trouble with the complex’s management team and maintenance guys when we first moved in, but things seem to have settled down and we at last have reliable hot water and a microwave that doesn’t take 10 minutes to cook spaghettios.

It’s been an adjustment to say the least, but one I’ve embraced and enjoyed every day.  We’ve had a few arguments, but nothing serious.  We’ve clashed on a few things, but again, nothing that turned into a big fight.  I really think Keith and I know how to talk to each other and work through things without making a big deal out of it, and it’s really helped us in our relationship so far.  Living with him has been one of the best decisions I’ve made.  Coming home to see his car already in the garage, and seeing him on the couch or in the dining room still makes me smile.  I love not having to ask “who’s place are we gonna hang out at tonight” because now it’s our place.

I didn’t really know the kid when we went to school together.  And to be completely honest, what I did know of him I didn’t like.  I was picked on a lot as a child, teased for being smart and quiet and not athletic, and I distinctly remember this kid being one of the many who bullied me.  But sitting there and reading that he’d died, I felt like I would cry.  I don’t know why.  Obviously the loss of any human life is something to be somber about, but I hadn’t seen or thought of him in almost a decade – why would his death be causing me such emotional turmoil?

As I sat there I realized that I was being confronted with my own mortality.  His obituary didn’t say what he’d died of, so I was left in the dark and unwilling to contact anyone who knew him to ask the question of them.  Was it a car crash?  Was it medical?  Was it drugs?  Did anyone even know?  I have no clue, and it’s truly not important.  What is important is that it made me realize that I’m not guaranteed to live to be 80.  I can’t walk around sure of the fact that I’m going to grow old and live a lengthy and productive life.  Because there is no guarantee.  This guy learned that the hard way unfortunately, and his passing helped to make me realize it as well.

I guess we all just need to realize that we take life for granted.  I know I do at least.  I don’t give much thought to the fact that tomorrow could be the end; I guess that’s for the best, because if you get too wrapped up in that kind of morbid thinking, it could be what ultimately kills you.  But I do think it’s healthy and wise to be aware of the fact that not everybody makes it to the grand finish line of life.  Some people are going to stumble halfway, and some don’t make it past the starting line.  I’m lucky to have gotten this far, and I’m gonna do my best to make sure I make it to the end.  One  thing is certain though – as competitive as I am in most areas of life, this is one race I have no intention of finishing first.

January was the beginning of my unemployment.  I’d been laid off from CitiGroup effective the end of December, and I began what I thought would only be a short stint of being jobless.  Little did I know that it would be another 6 months before I would get so much as an interview, let alone another 2 months after that before I’d finally find a job (thanks to a former Citi coworker [further proving that it's more "who you know" than "what you know"]).  In the meantime, I started my own IT consulting company, which didn’t take off quite as well as I wanted.  It kept money flowing in while I had no job, but it wasn’t anywhere near being an income replacement.  The company still exists and I still work under the company name, but it’s not on a level with what I was hoping for.  I can only hope that word will continue to spread, and that it will get bigger over time.

In March I traveled out to Arizona to help out my grandmother while my grandfather was in the hospital.  He spent weeks in the hospital developing numerous complications, and there was a period of time where my grandmother finally broke down, fearing that she would lose him.  While she was in the hospital dealing with doctors and nurses and waiting to hear back after yet another surgery, I had the task of going outside and calling my father and aunt and uncle to let them know that there might come a time shortly when they’d need to come out immediately to say their final good-byes.  The calls were hard to make, but luckily it never came to that.  He recovered, albeit slowly, and I left shortly before he was released from rehab to finally make it home again.  I saw him again many months later when they visited Texas, and it brought a smile to my face to see him up and walking around again after having seen him so weak in a hospital bed for so long.

My birthday rolled around (again) in May, and Keith made it the best birthday ever.  He treated me so special and made a big deal out of it, something that I’ve never really had done, but always not-so-secretly wanted.  He did that for me, and I’ll never forget it.  And it wasn’t just that day either, but all the time.  He makes the littlest things feel so important and wonderful, and it makes life so much more enjoyable.  He gives me reasons to smile when I feel like nothing is going as it should.

Summer flew by and at the end of August I finally got a job.  I’m still a consultant, but a job as a temp is better than no job at all, and maybe someday soon it’ll become a permanent position.  I can only hope.  Going from such a structured and intense work environment like Citi to somewhere as relaxed and enjoyable as where I’m at now was a wonderful bit of culture shock.  I was prepared to be immersed in the corporate world all over again, but it never really happened.  I work at a high rise in Dallas, and I feel fancy when I go into work every day, but it’s a job that I finally feel a sense of accomplishment for doing.  Like what I come into the office for each morning makes a difference somehow, and that I’m not just answering a phone call from someone making well over six figures asking me how to open their email and print a file anymore.

November was my one year anniversary with Keith.  It’s hard to look back on the past year and realize that Keith has been there the whole time.  I never thought I’d have someone like that, someone so wonderful in my life, there by my side through it all.  He’s been there for me, and I’ve been there for him.  Things are going so great.  It’s frustrating to me that many of my family members have no desire to meet this person so special to me.  That because I’m not in the kind of relationship they want (with a woman), my relationship can’t possibly be real or loving or as fulfilling as theirs.  Those that have taken the time to meet him have all told me how obvious it is that we’re wonderful together.  In over a year of being together, I’ve never introduced him to a single person who has later said anything negative about him or us as a couple.  I even had the chance to meet some of his coworkers and his manager for his department’s Christmas party this year, and he told me later that they all enjoyed meeting me as well.  I wish that people would open their eyes and hearts and realize that even though things aren’t always what you want or think should be, they can still be really great.  I love Keith with all my heart, something I make sure to tell him every single day.  How many other people can say the same thing?

This last month has been a trying one.  I almost failed my first Master’s level course in college, but I barely pulled it out at the end of the semester by studying hard for the final and sliding by with a C.  That’s not something I’m terribly proud of, but at least I passed.  I made an effort to understand a course with material that was in no way familiar or easy to me, and I made it.  I got very sick the day after Christmas – sicker than I think I’ve ever been before – and could barely walk around the apartment that morning.  And then Keith came over.  He took care of me.  He got me to eat food, even though I couldn’t keep anything down.  He went out and bought me Sprite to calm my stomach, and nausea medicine to help even more.  He stayed by my side all day, even when the medicine knocked me out on the couch.  I’ve taken care of him when he’s been sick, but I hadn’t been sick enough for him to have to do the same for me.  That day opened my eyes as to yet another reason he’s so wonderful.  When the situation calls for it, I know I can lean on him for support.  I can’t even articulate how comforting that is.

The day after I was so sick, I woke up feeling not great, but much better than before.  As the day rolled on I improved, and Keith and I even made a trip to Arlington to visit my dad.  On the way home we were in an accident.  Neither of us were hurt, but as I got my insurance card out of the glove compartment I looked in the rearview mirror to see the woman drive off.  I didn’t have time to get a license plate number.  I didn’t even have a chance to get out and look at the damage to my car.  An eye witness a few moments later came up to us and told us that she’d seen the woman driving the other vehicle actually get out of her car, check the damage to her own vehicle, and then get back in and drive off.  Unfortunately the witness hadn’t seen the license plate either, but I still appreciate her coming over and giving me her info in case it helped.  All-in-all over $1500 worth of damage was done to my car, and with the bumper tied to my car with rope so it wouldn’t fall off and cause another accident, I took it in today to a body shop and left it there for repairs.  My insurance covers all but my deductible, and even got me a rental car, so the situation isn’t as bad as it could be.  It just frustrates and hurts me that someone out there is so callous and selfish that she caused an accident, then made sure her own car was safe to drive and then fled.

But even with the ups and the downs, the goods and the bad, the best of times and worst of times, I feel that 2009 wasn’t a waste.  It wasn’t the worst year ever.  It was just a year.  One which I’m happy to see over in many ways, but will still look back on and smile for the good times it holds.  2010 is going to be here shortly, and I go into it with my head held high hoping to make good things happen for myself and for those around me.  It’s not just the beginning of a new year, but of a new decade.  Bring it on life.

I was sitting outside my class about an hour ago, having arrived about 15 minutes before class started, and the door was locked.  There’s usually a class that meets in the same room right before my class meets, so it’s usually unlocked when we arrive; sometimes they’re still in there and we wait outside, but if they’ve already gone for the night we just let ourselves in and wait for the professor.  When I found the door to be locked tonight, I set my stuff down and just waited for the professor to show up.  Over the next 15 minutes, more and more people from my class showed up, and almost all of them came right up next to me by the door and tried to open it.  Then they looked baffled that it was locked.

Umm…why would I be standing outside the classroom if it was unlocked and ready for our class to come inside?  Do you think I enjoy leaning against brick walls?  Do you think I like the noisy hallway filled with obnoxious students walking around on their cell phones talking about how hard the homework was last week and where they’re going to go to drink and unwind?  No, I don’t.  I could understand if maybe you’re the first one to show up after me and maybe there is some crazy chance you don’t recognize me as the guy in the back of class who constantly asks questions because he doesn’t understand the material in the slightest.  But when 30 other students from the same class you’ve been in all semester are also standing outside, don’t presume to walk up and think you’ll be able to open the door and save us from our inability to turn a handle and apply some form of push/pull effort.

I know I get frustrated easily, but come on people!  If the door was unlocked and the classroom empty – I’d be inside!  Same principle applies at work more often that I’d like to admit.  I’ll walk up to the elevators and push the bottom to summon the magical transport device, and 5 seconds later someone else will walk up and push the same (already glowing) button again.  Did I not do it right?  Do you think the elevator is going to come any faster?  If that was the case, I would’ve pushed the button 24 times upon arrival and your ass would still be waiting in the lobby since I would already be on my ascent to my floor.  Wake up people.  Pay attention.  Stop being so ridiculously oblivious to your surroundings.  Or I’ll start kicking you in the shin.

While I didn’t hate my last job, there were a lot of things that I didn’t like about it.  I can happily say that almost all of those things are not problems here at my new job.  For instance, at my last job the employees only got to sit down with our manager once every few months to try and touch base with our status and goals and to ask questions, but here I have a firmly scheduled 1:1 meeting every other week that allows me the opportunity to discuss anything I’d like with my manager.  If I have any concerns I can always feel comfortable approaching him outside of that 1:1 environment, but luckily I haven’t really had to yet.  It’s so nice knowing my manager is accessible when I need him, but not a micro-manager who checks on me throughout the day to make sure I’m okay and doing what I’m supposed to be doing.

It’s just a much more relaxed environment.  I don’t have to clock in and out every day, and I don’t have to have a strict 1 hour lunch.  I can come in a little late and just leave late to make up for it.  I can take a short lunch and leave early, or take a long lunch and stay late to compensate.  It’s all very fluid, and I find myself working even harder for this company than for the last because I’m so much more comfortable and at ease here.  I can listen to my iPod while I work, and that always helps the day go by pretty quick.  I can get on IM and talk to my coworkers as needed, but can also talk to friends as long as it doesn’t distract me from work.  This helps me keep in touch with Keith while we’re both at work, and I love being able to do that.

Since I’ve been here we’ve had multiple department lunches that the company picked up the tab for, we had a team-building activity that the whole IT department participated in, and we’ve had various other fun activities in the office that keep things from becoming stagnant.  I’m still a contractor right now, but I’m on the road to becoming a full-time employee, and it can’t happen soon enough.  I can’t wait to be brought into the fold and feel like a permanent fixture around here instead of just a temp.  Here’s hoping!

It’s hard sometimes for me to actually look at myself in the mirror and admit that time has passed, and that I’m an adult now.  I still see the me of high school and college sometimes, and I wonder what exactly has changed since then.  Obviously certain things have changed as time progressed, but I’m still essentially the same person I was a few years ago.

It’s hard to equate that child I see in the mirror with the person I am today.  The one who lives on his own and works a 40 hour week to pay his bills and survive from month to month.  The one who is in a loving relationship, when years ago I thought that I’d never find love.  Young though he is, the boy in the mirror feels like life is just going to go on as it has been going, being alone and desperate for someone to love and be loved by.

Time goes by both infinitely slowly and unerringly quickly.  A month can seem like a year, and a year can seem like a month.  Perception depends upon your experiences.  The face in the mirror tells me that I’ve experienced both.  I’ve seen time slow to an agonizing crawl, seemingly beating me over the head with life every single day.  I’ve also seen time fly by, with love and joy seemingly having just been introduced into my life, when in actuality they have been present for quite some time now.

The next time I see that face in the mirror, I’ll smile at him and I know he’ll smile back.  Because if I’m looking at him and remembering where I come from, then maybe he can look at me and see where he’s going.  And as crazy as things may seem sometimes, he needs to know that it’s all going to be just fine.

1. When you get on an elevator and I’m the only other person already on, there is absolutely no reason why there should be any physical contact between us.  I have never been on an elevator so small that two people can’t ride comfortably without being close to each other.  Step back.  Chances are, you smell and I don’t want you rubbing up against me.
2. If you walk up to the elevator and I’m standing there waiting, and the button is glowing, you can safely assume that I did not just choose that spot randomly to hang out at.  I pushed the button and am waiting for an elevator to arrive.  There is no need for you to walk over, make eye contact with me, and push the button 7 times – it won’t make the elevator come any faster.  It will however make me step on your foot when I get off the elevator at my floor.
3. Do not listen to your voicemails on speaker-phone.  We don’t care if your spouse left you a romantic message telling you to be confident and try your hardest.  We don’t care if your stalker left a message simply of their heavy breathing.  And we don’t care if you left yourself a message reminding you not to forget your gym shorts in the bottom drawer again.  Stop being lazy and pick up the damn receiver and listen to the messages instead of inflicting them on the whole office.  Otherwise, I’m going to call you after hours and leave a message stating that we’re foreclosing your home because your last mortgage payment bounced and our research shows it was due to your excessive amount of money spent on hookers, and then I’ll laugh hysterically when you listen to that on speaker-phone the following day.
4. I don’t care how much you love your ringtone or text message alert sound, nobody else in the office does.  If we hear it once, we assume you forgot to put it on silent and we let it go by without much thought.  18 times later, I’m going to beat you over the head with a 3 hole punch.  I don’t want to hear the same sound over and over again all day long just so you can feel important that someone is text messaging you.  You’re not.  The autopsy will confirm that.
5. If a meeting starts at 2 and ends at 3, an appropriate time to show up is not 2:52.  The meeting is over.  At this point, we’re all wondering where you were, and figuring out a way to punish you for not showing up.  Your half-hearted claim that you were busy and couldn’t get away from your desk is bull.  I saw you surfing Facebook earlier and updating your twitter all morning.  We will now shun you.  That big luncheon that was scheduled for next week which we told you was cancelled?  It wasn’t.  We’re gonna have a blast.  Then call you 8 minutes before it’s over and ask why you couldn’t make it.  Tweet about that.
6. You’re busy.  I’m busy.  We’re all busy.  When do you ever see me sitting around telling anyone who passes by how much I wish I had more work to do?  Oh yeah, it was never.  Stop trying to get me to do your job and mine as well simply because you’re feeling overwhelmed.  Once or twice, fine, I’m a reasonable guy.  Every day?  I’ll bite you, I swear I will.
7. Parking garages (and even parking lots) often have spaces designated as being for “compact cars”.  So why is it they’re always filled with Hummers and Ford F350s?  And I say filled because I mean filled.  They take up the whole spot, plus some overflow on each side, making it impossible for anyone else to park in the directly surrounding spots for fear of not being able to open their doors.  So instead of 3 cars getting spots, your one humongously oversized truck/SUV/tank gets it.  I would spread a rumor that you have tiny genitalia, but it’s no fun to spread a rumor that’s very likely true.  I’ll just consistently let the air out of your tires, and practice my voodoo.  Just wait.  I’ll getcha.
8. If you see me approaching the elevator and start pushing the button to close the doors because you want it to yourself, I will purposely run and throw my body onto the elevator and stare at you the whole ride up.  And if I get off before you, I’ll push the buttons for every other floor and then stare at you with a smile as the doors close behind me.  Stop being an ass.
9. If you need to have more than 30 second conversation with someone, schedule time in a small conference room to discuss your issues.  I don’t want you standing right behind me talking to someone about how the deadline for the such and such is tomorrow and you haven’t finished the thingamajig and you’re gonna jump off the roof if you don’t get it done in time since you’ll almost certainly be fired for being incompetent.  If I have to listen to you talking about that for more than 30 seconds, I’ll show you the way to the roof and advise you not to land in any bushes or soft objects below.
10. Please don’t bring Chinese food into work for lunch, and then eat it at your desk.  Just about every corporate building has a cafeteria – a place specifically designed to smell like food and facilitate its being eaten.  You wanna eat a sandwich at your desk?  Fine.  Go for it.  You wanna eat something that’s going to smell up the whole office?  Be aware that I’m going to lean over your cube and spray you in the face with air freshener to try and balance it out.  You have been given fair warning.
11. If you’re going to bring up every fundraiser your child’s school has and expect your coworkers to buy all that useless crap that we don’t really want, then you had better be willing to do the same when we start peddling our kids’ crap.  Too many times have I seen people sell popcorn, girl scout cookies, wrapping paper, and all other kinds of ridiculously random stuff to coworkers, then turn around and say that they don’t have any money to return the favor, all the while planning their next family trip to who-knows-where.  If you don’t buy the stuff I’m peddling, I will sneak sugar into your carry-on baggage and warn the airport that you’re smuggling cocaine.  Enjoy your cavity search.
12. Newsflash: sound travels.  If you’re listening to a radio at your desk, everyone you can hear it.  There does not exist a comfortable volume that you can both hear the music over the sound of your keyboard and mouse clicks, but still keep your neighbors from having to listen to it.  What’s worse is that the people who listen to music loudly at their desk rarely have commonly shared taste – they’re usually huge fans of heavy metal, deep south country, or polka.  Stop it, or I’ll be forced to modify the system files on your computer, and from now on when your computer starts up you’ll be greeted by farm animal noises, thus perpetuating the rumor I also started about your torrid love affairs with sheep.  Write a country song about that.
13. If you are cold, do not complain to building management and request the temperature be raised.  How about you stop wearing short sleeve shirts to work if you’re feeling chilly?  Some people are required to wear dress shirts and slacks, and those don’t really breathe very well, so said people get quite warm.  They don’t need you requesting the temperature be set to 82 so you can feel nice and toasty at your desk.  Wear a sweater.  Wear a jacket.  Get up off your ass and move around to stimulate blood flow.  When you’re cold, you can do something about it.  When everyone else gets hot, it’s not really work appropriate to strip down to cool off.  If you don’t follow this rule, I’ll be forced to sneak hot sauce into all the food you brought for lunch.  You won’t be feeling very cold after eating that.
14. Don’t print out a 300 page report all at once in the middle of the day.  Other people need to use that printer too, likely for one or two pages, and they shouldn’t have to sit around all day waiting for your document to finish.  Split it up into a few smaller sized pieces.  You’ll still get your report printed, but other people will be able to intermittently print their documents too.  Everyone wins.  If you don’t comply, I’ll steal pages 109-147 out of your report.  Hope there wasn’t anything important in there.
15. During a fire drill/alarm, do not push everyone out of your way to make it to the stairs faster.  We would all like to escape, thank you.  Pushing me over will not facilitate your safe escape without any repercussions.  Chances are, I’ll get back on my feet and make it downstairs just fine.  However, when it’s safe to return inside I’ll rush straight to your desk and start taking things.  And shredding things.  And then I’ll limp past you later feigning innocence as you cry over your missing Snoopy pen.
16. If you have to have a badge of some sort to activate the elevator or the parking garage or the door to your area of the office, please have it out and ready when you get to said spot.  I am tired of being behind you while you dig in your car to find your badge, or upend your purse in the elevator looking for it, or dig through your pockets all the while laughing awkwardly and pretending you haven’t done the same thing everyday of your employment here.  I’m tired of it, and so is everyone else.  If we can have the necessary identification ready and available when necessary, so can you.  Get with it, or next time I see you I’m going to rush over and tape it to your forehead.
17. We live in the 21st century, not the Dark Ages.  When it comes to trivial little questions or ramblings, an instant message or an email will more than suffice.  You can even throw in an “lol” or an emoticon and then go along with your day, never having gotten up from your desk.  But no, that’s no good.  You have to get up and walk across the office to talk to your friend, then walk back to your desk, then walk to someone else’s desk 3 minutes later with a follow-up question, then back to your desk, and so on and so forth all day long.  I tire of seeing your face walk past my desk.  Technology is a great asset.  I’m not asking you to plug your brain into your computer and disconnect all social interaction, just to be aware of the fact that your constant pacing back and forth across the office is distracting to those of us actually working, and your conversations are also a nuisance, one which could be accomplished even quicker and with absolute silence via the computer.  Take advantage of the technology, or I will build a sentient robot to shoot laser beams at you every time you pass my desk.

As you can see, I’m moderately bitter.  Working in corporate America is tough, but if everyone followed the rules we’d all be just fine.  Spread the word.  Or else…