I can’t believe that it’s been almost two months since I last sat down to write.  When I first started this blog I didn’t foresee a time when weekly updates wouldn’t be the norm, but lately I’ve felt like I barely have time to get things done, let alone to sit down and babble about whatever’s on my mind.  It’s funny in a not-so-funny way, but ever since I lost my job and gained an extra 40 hours a week, I seem to have less time to get things done than before.  Did I somehow actually lose time?  Or has more just come up to fill in the gaps?  Or have I just lost the will to do anything but watch the hands on the clock spend ’round and ’round?

I have been without a job for almost four full months now.  That’s ridiculous.  I never thought it would take me this long to find something else after being laid off by Citi, but it has.  In all this time, I’ve had one interview and it was only by phone; I never heard back about scheduling one in person despite numerous attempts to follow-up.  Each week goes by with more applications going out, and no phone calls coming in.  For the first couple months I would go out almost every day to spend time with friends and relax just because I could.  Now I do so because I can’t stand the sight of the inside of my apartment.  On the days when I’m home, it’s practically torture to stare at the same walls all day, every day, with little time away.  The days just keep dragging on, and I find every excuse possible to stay busy so I don’t notice just how long I’ve really been unemployed.

I keep telling myself that I’m not useless.  I only do so because so many people around me have jumped all over me whenever I even hint that I’m feeling that way.  Since I was a junior in high school, I’ve only felt useful when working.  The few times I’ve been without work, it’s always been a very short time and I never had to put much thought into it.  Now I’m looking at how long I’ve gone without work.  Part of me wants to say it’s the way the economy is right now, and that there aren’t many jobs, but that’s just not the case in actuality.  There are jobs – I’ve seen them and applied for them – but none of them want me.  It’s a harsh truth, but there it is.

I have always been a night person, but more so lately than ever before.  It’s rare for me to be tired enough for bed before 2 a.m. and then I sleep in until around 11 each morning.  I usually wake up around 7 or 8 naturally, but I just don’t have anything to do to fill the time nowadays, so I just roll back over and sleep.  I send out resumes, I apply for jobs online, I pass out my business cards just about everywhere I go, but nothing comes of any of it.  I feel like I’m just moving from one day to the next, never really making progress.  I want a job.  I want to work.  I want to be useful again.