Things have been crazy the past couple months.  When I started this blog, I told myself I’d be updating all the time, but as you can see by the date of my last entry, this hasn’t worked out too well as of late.  Allow me to explain.  I was laid off from my job of almost 3 years at the end of December, I’m under pressure at school to maintain an A average in a class where a C is something to be prayed for, my car has required almost $1000 in repairs, and I’ve done it all without the friend I thought I’d always have at my side.  The only bright spot in all this has been Keith.  It’s nice to know that even when we both have horrible days, we’re always there for each other at the end of it all to sit with and talk and just enjoy the company.  I don’t know how I got by without him in the past.

I was laid off from my job at Citi at the end of December.  I was considered “on notice” until today, but as of tomorrow I’m officially unemployed.  I’ll be looking up the information online to file for unemployment for the first time in my life, something I had hoped to never have to do.  I know my tax dollars are what funds the unemployment process, but something about it has always sounded so dirty and trashy to me.  To have to require that money from the government just to survive always sounded so low and unseemly to me.  Tomorrow I will have no choice but to get down on my knees and beg and pray for that money.

I took all the necessary steps to start my own IT consulting business at the end of January.  It took a while to get it up and off the ground, but I now have a logo, business cards, and will soon be designing my own website to help attract business.  However, I have yet to have any true interest shown and haven’t been able to really find any new clients.  I went to a small party today and passed around my business cards to complete strangers in the hopes that one of them might need me, or at least know someone who does.  I felt like such a whore pawning myself off on people I didn’t even know, hoping to eventually get some money out of it, but I’m running out of options.  I’m still trying to apply to normal jobs because I can’t be sure the business will take off after all like I thought it would.  It’s hard work starting your own business and being self-employed.  I knew that going in, but I guess I just thought I’d be able to do it without much difficulty.  I was so very wrong.

I’m in a finance class right now at school, and it’s destroying me.  The pressure is tremendous, and the material is way over my head.  The business school expects me to make an A in the class to maintain my GPA, and if I don’t I’ll likely be expelled from the program.  I’m already on academic probation due to making C’s in accounting and statistics.  Let’s see…do we notice a trend here?  James Dean isn’t too good at the advanced mathematics course.  Shocker.  I’ve done great in the business courses regarding management and marketing, but anything with advanced math is completely beyond my grasp.  And it kills me that I bust my ass and sometimes just end up with a C, but at the same time, that’s good enough for me.  But it’s not good enough for them.  They don’t care that I didn’t fail any of the classes; they’re just pissed that I didn’t make an A or a B.  So I have to make an A or I’ll likely be expelled, but at the least I’ll be suspended.  And the real kicker – I made a 56 on the first of three tests we’ll be taking.  What does that mean?  It means that if I make a perfect score on the next two tests, I’ll still end up with a B.  Fantastic.  I’m gonna be a graduate school dropout.

On top of all that, over the past month I have had to put almost $1000 into my 6 year old car to keep it running.  The list of things that had to be repaired or replaced just goes on and on, but suffice it to say, I never paid for anything that wasn’t necessary.  Well, I take that back.  I paid to have the automatic locks fixed when they went out (at the same time as some other under-the-hood part), but I didn’t pay extra to have the keyless entry/alarm reconnected afterwards.  But as though God threw me a bone, my keyless entry randomly started working again a couple days ago.  I accidentally hit a button on the remote when I was getting out of my car and all the locks opened.  It made me very happy, and  even now, every time I walk out to the car and the keyless entry still works I have a big smile on my face.  I’m just praying nothing else breaks requiring more money.  This car isn’t worth it to me to keep putting more and more money into it that I just don’t have.  Even if I were still working at Citi I wouldn’t have had $1000 to spare for car repairs.  I’m at the end of my rope, and it’s going to turn into a noose any day now.

To top it all off, I recently tried to mend a broken friendship, and have been completely ignored.  I lost a friend at the end of last year that I thought would always be at my side, and never heard from him again.  I tried to tell myself I didn’t care, but it just wasn’t true.  So earlier this week I emailed him and told him that I missed him and wanted to talk and try and fix what’s been shattered, but I got no reply.  Each day without a reply hurt more and more, not less and less like I thought it would.  I thought that once I got everything off my chest, I’d feel better and any reply from him would just be bonus.  But I was wrong.  I wanted that reply.  I needed it.  I still do.  I want to know that our friendship wasn’t meaningless.  That I wasn’t just someone to occupy his time until the slightest argument and then I’d be tossed aside.  I’m mad at myself, but I’m mad at him too.  We’re two grown men, and I can’t even get him to talk to me.  I feel like I’m in grade school again.  Like I just passed him a note in the hallway between classes, and asked him if he still wants to be friends – circle “yes” or “no” and give me the note back next period.  Problem is, it seems he just threw the note away and took a different path to next period, avoiding me altogether.  I want the dreams of him to stop.  I want the frustration and hurt to fade away.  I want to know one way or the other what to make of all this.  And I fear I may never get that closure.  Once before I had a similar problem, and it tore me up for years afterwards.  I don’t want to go through that again.

Keith and I are still together, happier than we were when we first started dating.  There are days when we snap at each other, and days where we avoid the other for whatever reason, but it never lasts more than just that day.  By the next day we miss the other so much that we’re practically beating down their door wanting to spend time together.  He’s met my dad a couple times, and even met Connie and Nathan.  He really likes them all (which doesn’t much surprise me), and told me he wouldn’t be against seeing them again.  They all liked him too.  I don’t know how much Nathan comprehends, but he and Keith got to talk about pokemon over lunch, so Nathan automatically thinks he’s cool, and Keith feels a bond there already.  It makes me happy that he gets along with them so well.  He’s a big part of my life now, and I don’t want him to be left out on the sidelines for any reason.  Through everything that’s happened over the past few months, he’s stuck by me and helped to keep me sane.  And vice versa to a certain degree, but sometimes I think he does way for me than I do for him in that regard.  I rely on him a lot for emotional support, and he never leaves me wanting.  He’s fantastic.  No matter what else comes my way, I know I can always retreat to his embrace and it will all be okay eventually.  I love him.