Archive for December, 2008

It’s Christmas again, and for once I actually feel like I’m in the spirit of things.  In the past I’ve barely tolerated the season, becoming a “Scrooge” of sorts, refusing to listen to Christmas music and never understanding the lengths people go to in order to decorate their homes.  While I didn’t go out caroling this year, nor did I put up any Christmas decorations, I did feel more cheery than normal.  A lot of things in my life have been moving in a positive direction lately, and it’s affecting my outlook on life I think.  I seem to be more optimistic, and I smile a lot more.  And for those moments when I felt angry and bitter at the world (usually these moments took place while at work), I actually realized it and tried to bring myself back to where I should be.  For once in my life, I actually appreciated Christmas for what it really means and enjoyed it.

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So much has changed in my life in the past few months.  I learned that my job is being discontinued at the end of the year and that I’ll soon be unemployed.  I learned that a very close friend that I trusted implicitly was no longer worthy of that trust and have all but ended the friendship as a result.  And I met someone.  Someone wonderful.  Someone who makes me feel special and important and like I have something to look forward to when I wake up each day.  It makes me feel silly and serious all at the same time.  And I’ve loved every minute of it.

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I woke up this morning to find an email from a recruiter waiting for me saying that she’d seen my resume and was interested in speaking with me.  I emailed her back and then called a couple hours later to speak with her about a potential position she wanted to place me in.  It was a helpdesk position similar to what I’m doing now, but second tier instead of first level support like I’m suffering through currently.  I wasn’t too excited about it at first, but a job is a job and I told her I’d be willing to come in and discuss it in person.  She told me the salary range that the job offered, and it wasn’t quite I’m looking for in my next position, but again – I have rent to pay and can’t be too picky.  We scheduled the interview and I got off the phone feeling like I might at least have a position to fall back on if I don’t find anything better.  If only I’d known then not to get my hopes up.

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Remember when you were young and your parents told you that most of the people you were best friends in high school would disappear from your life after high school?  Remember not believing them?  Mhmm.  Now, do you remember when almost all those people disappeared?  I do.  I remember thinking I was so close with some people, and then when graduation came and I no longer saw them every day, things just started to fade.  Then I made new friends in college and things seemed to be different.  But ultimately, it was just the same.

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Trust is a funny thing.  It’s so hard to build up and so easy to destroy.  My parents used to tell me this all the time and I never fully understood.  I’d do something stupid and lie about it, and they’d express their disappointment at how I couldn’t be trusted.  Then for weeks or even months I’d be good and tell the truth and they wouldn’t listen.  Over time, trust can be earned back, but it can just as easily be swept away again.  The more it happens, the more difficult it is to rebuild, until you finally just pack up and decide to place your trust elsewhere.  I never really understood my parents and how they could seem so hurt over something as trivial as a lie.  That was then.  This is now.  And one very large deception has called so much into question in my life.

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