Over the past few years my view of relationships has drastically changed.  I’ve watched some relationships end that I thought would continue forever, I watched some drag on that should’ve ended long ago, and I’ve seen some start where I never thought one would develop.  Every relationship is different, as are the individuals who make them up, and it’s become a habit of mine to critique every single one that I notice.  Not always in a bad way, but usually not in a good way.  I used to think this was due to the fact that I’m single and have been such for quite some time, but I’m starting to come to terms with that and no longer think I’m vindictive towards others who have someone in that way; my biggest problem is that the majority of the people I see in relationships, (in my opinion) have no business spending time interacting with other human beings.

I’m very particular about the guys I date.  I have high standards, and that has been one of the reasons I’ve remained single.  However, I no longer see that as a negative thing like I once did.  I would much rather be single than in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship.  I don’t want someone to just be there – I want them to play an active role in my life, and me in theirs.  Too many times have I seen where a couple is an unbalanced mess, staying together because they can’t stand the thought of being alone.

In the end, it comes down to sex for most of them.  This was the case in high school in college, and I’m still seeing the trend in the “real” world now that I’m out living in it.  In high school, the girls who “put out” were never single for long.  Some guy desperate to stake his claim as a virile heterosexual male would shove his way to the front of the line to apply for the next available slot in the girl’s schedule.  These relationships (if that is what you’d like to call them) never lasted more than a few weeks, and then each of them would move on the to the next.  I look back and wonder – where was all the sex I could’ve been having?  Ah yes – it was there, but I didn’t want it.

I appear to be one of the rare breed of non-promiscuous homosexual males.  I’d even go so far as to say it’s not limited to sexual orientation, but just being a male in general.  Statistics show that sex is the most dominant though on any man’s mind at any given time.  There are some that just can’t seem to rise above that though/desire and succumb to every potential source of fornication they can get their hands on.  But instead of being jealous of all the sex they’re having, I pity them.  I don’t believe I’m better than them, just different.  My priorities are elsewhere.  I won’t pretend that I don’t desire the same things that they do, I just don’t act on my baser instincts as much as part of me would like.

I recently learned that a friend was no longer in a relationship after having dated the same guy for over 3 years.  I don’t know the details and wouldn’t discuss them here if I did, but it still breaks my heart that after so long something like that could end.  Then I see other relationships that I didn’t believe would ever come to be, and so far they’re making it quite nicely.  And then there are the few who I see always complaining about their boyfriend/girlfriend, but never making the decision to move on and find someone else they’d be happier with.  Why?  Because they’d have to be single for at least a little while to do it.  It’s intimidating.  It’s downright frightening to many.  But it’s reality.

I’m still looking for love.  And I’ll keep looking until I find it.  I don’t believe in settling for a mere attraction or a fling.  For the first time in my life, I’m happy with where I am.  It’s still difficult, and there are days when I hug my pillow and cry myself to sleep, but there are days when I look in the mirror and admit that I’m too much of a mess to inflict on others.  But all the other days when I wake up to an empty bed, I smile and tell myself that at least I’m not having to make awkward conversation with a stranger while quickly making sure my valuables are all still present and accounted for.  I don’t look down on those who have one-night stands.  Part of me wishes I could just go out and have some fun every once in a while, but it’s just not who I am.  Never has been (contrary to the belief of others).

When the day comes that I enter a relationship, I’m sure I’ll drive him utterly crazy some days, and vice versa.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Someone wise once said, “You never bother me, except the way I love to be bothered.”  If you know what this quote is from, you earn cool points in my book.  Good night all.