I love animals of all kinds, but have never really wanted any for myself.  I’m torn because I love that dogs are so loving and act as a little furry companion, but I also love that cats are nice and soft and quiet and don’t need constant attention.  And also fish are cool because they can live in their own little castles rent free, though the place is barely bigger than they are and that’s gotta feel a little cramped.  Like my old apartments.  Talking to Kate last night, I realized that I wouldn’t mind having an animal if it would always remain tiny, like kittens or puppies, never growing into adult sizes.  Not like a chihuahua though because let’s face it – those things are ugly.  We agreed that with genetic engineering becoming more and more advanced, it’s probably only a matter of time before pets can be designed to never grow past a certain size.  How cool would that be?  Now let’s take it a step further…miniature wild animals.

I’ve always thought tigers were some of the most majestic animals out there.  Perhaps I’d want a tiny tiger instead of a tiny kitten.  Granted, it’d have very sharp teeth and need little bits of steak and chicken instead of cat food, but it’d be worth it to have a little tiger running around the apartment.  I’d have to find a new place with a spare bedroom because I’d almost definitely want to take it to the next level and recreate an African safari.

I’d buy at least a few mini elephants so they could roam around in a micro herd.  I wonder what kind of sound a very small elephent makes…  To make sure they don’t over populate the bedroom though, I would of course have to eventually introduce carnivores.  Not my tiger, because he’s bunking up with me in my room and as the first mini domesticated wild animal, he has free reign around the house.  I’d get a few leopards and cheetahs and possibly some lions and keep them enclosed for the majority of the day, then let them out to hunt every night while I eat dinner in the other room.  Then I’d use a broom to herd them back into their individual lego enclosures before bed.

I’d keep an inflatable kiddie pool in the closet where dolphins and beluga whales could splash around to their heart’s content.  For commercial reasons, one dolphin would be Flipper and one beluga would be Baby.  My tiger’s name is not Tony though because that’s just dumb.  He’s a tiger.  He doesn’t like frosted flakes.  Or oil.  If I am able to find a whale, I’d probably get one or two and put them in there as well.  How eccentric could I claim my collection is if I don’t at least have one big miniature whale?  And an octopus!

The predators in the safari zone of the bedroom would probably get tired of tough chewy elephant meat (I’m just guessing here) after a while, so I’d have to invest in a whole bunch of gazelle and sheep and other African safari wildlife that I don’t know about.  Fodder like that is probably the equivalent of beta fish, so I’ll get a great deal if I buy in bulk.  I’ve already come to grips with the fact that I’ll have to have lots of potpourri and outdoorsy smelling candles scattered throughout the room at all times; with that many animals, the room is gonna be stinky.  I will have already planned ahead before beginning my wildlife reserve, and had the carpet removed and replaced with fake grass.  I want it to be as realistic as possible for my animals.  I still haven’t figured out how to put in a watering hole or tiny stream for them to drink and bathe in.

This whole thing is obviously still a work in progress.  If there are any genetic engineers reading this, I expect royalties if you steal my idea.  Otherwise, my tiger’s coming to get you.  That’s right.  I’ve trained him.  He’s fierce.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 10th, 2008 at 10:30 am and is filed under General Observations. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.