I sat down last night to write my first paper for my Master’s level management course, and it didn’t take me as long as I thought it would. I wasn’t looking forward to doing the paper, but once I actually sat down and did the small amount of research necessary to write an informed essay, I found that the material was worth reading and the amount of self-evaluation needed to finish the paper off was enlightening. But it was only after I finished spending an hour or so on this paper that I realized I had never put this kind of relaxed effort into high school. And I couldn’t help but realize…what was I thinking?
I was lazy in high school, plain and simple. Who wasn’t? But looking back, I want to jump back in time, kick myself in the shin, and yell at myself to stop being a lazy ass. I can’t help but wonder what would’ve happened if things had gone differently. I bounced back and forth between high schools due to my own bad decisions. I fought with both parents constantly, jumping from one’s house to the other, never realizing the common denominator was me, not them. I used my “horrible home life” as an excuse to not give a crap about anything else. I waited until the last minute to do homework (if I did it at all) and never really went the extra mile on projects. I am no genius by any means, but I also have no problem saying it wasn’t because I didn’t have the ability – it was because I didn’t have the desire.
I’d come home after school every day and sit around watching TV and playing on the computer. When I lived with my dad for 2 years my afternoons consisted of coming home and making a snack, watching “Jeopardy” and “Card Sharks” on the Game Show channel, sneaking onto the computer when nobody was home, then sitting in my room all night on the phone complaining to my friends about my miserable life.
Life was so easy back then. Homework was always one or two worksheets with a day or two allotted for completion, and if there was ever a paper to be written it was always just a couple pages long and you usually had a week or two to write it. What was wrong with me back then that I couldn’t put forth the tiniest effort in order to keep my grades up where they could’ve been? I used to stress over bad grades, which put me in a bad mode, which made me less willing to work on homework, which resulted in more bad grades; it was a vicious cycle that I refused to acknowledge.
I look back now and see all the things I could’ve done differently and it just irks me that it would’ve been so easy. A mere matter of dedicating an hour or two a night to something meaningful as opposed to watching rerun after rerun of “Friends” and “Star Trek: Voyager”. It’s still difficult for me to make the decision to forego plans with friends so I can work on a paper or meet with a study group, but I do it because I know it’s what needs to be done.
Is this what it’s like to be a grown up?
Entries (RSS)
I don’t see why this isn’t growing up… you’re maturing and your ways of doing things are changing for the better. You know what’s important and what takes precedence over something else. Go you! Btw, I love the site (and I hope you sorta know who this is!) haha
I know that we all have to go through childhood and it is a difficult time for us all. But we all go through it and it helps us to become who we are. The difference in you, compared to allot of others your age, is you have become aware of the reality that as a child you acted like a child and now entering into adulthood it is time to act like an adult. It should and has helped you to push yourself to set goals, to set standards, to draw a line in the sand. As President Abraham Lincoln said “Plant your feet firmly and then stand your ground.” A life free of struggle is a life not worth living, for it is the hard things in life that help shape us into the greatest we can become. So yes this is what it is like as you grow up in adulthood and you are just making the first turn in the long path that will continue to shape you and help you to be the best you can be. Never close your eyes to the opportunity to review the person in the mirror and make any changes or improvements that are needed. Always listen to the opinions of those around you, some will be worth while, while others will totally worthless. You will have to figure out which is which, good luck.
I really know the feeling. I’ve come to realize how badly I wasted my “gifts” (read: abilities) in high school. I feel absolutely horrible looking back at my high school career. I too wasted away in laziness and boredom instead of going the extra mile to do the work that was well within my grasp to do well on. I feel like I’ve really shot myself in the foot when it comes to college. That, was a huge mistake on my part. I just kind of laugh it off and just jovially scoff about the fact that I’m “taking a semester off”, but in truth, I messed up, bad, during my junior and senior year by not registering to take a simple test like the SAT and therefore wasn’t ABLE to apply to colleges. My grades are decent enough to get into a tolerable school to do undergraduate work, but in truth, I know I should already be in college, and already working towards my goals. Not wasting away reading comic books and watching old cartoons I have on VHS. But its too late at this point to change the wrong I’ve done. I’ve just got to focus on getting what I need to get accomplished, accomplished. I do however feel that the awareness that the mistakes I made were just that, is a step forward into maturity, albeit one I really wish I had taken a while back. But, onward and forward. No use in lamenting about the past. Gotta push things forward, right?
:]
Ah yes. Growing up. Doesn’t it suck? I think I kinda have the opposite problem as you though. I put forth so much effort in high school that I burnt myself out. Now I just don’t feel like doing anything anymore. In fact…I’m supposed to be reading and preparing for a quiz right now. Instead I’m reading your blog and commenting on it. lol. That being said…you can’t go back in time (unless you’re Hiro) so all you can really do is continue to do better in the present in the hopes that it will lead to a brighter future. Playing the “what if?” game will only make you feel regret. So just focus on the here and now and look toward tomorrow.
Is this where I get a moment to laugh?
My Friends always told me you would finally ‘get it’ one day.
Maker Of Magnificent…boys-to-men We always agreed that you and I would have an opportunity for a good relationship when you were an adult…& you’re getting there (& so am I). Each day brings new challenges that, after walking through, increases the wattage in your bulb, brightly lighting your path into adulthood (how’s that for a word picture?)
I’ll never forget your teacher that said, “I had to study SO hard to get through school & make good grades. It comes so easy for Dean, but it frustrates me that he won’t step up to the challenge.” That was you, but then you’ve already said that. I remember thinking P.U.S.H. – Pray Until Something Happens cuz this, too, shall pass!!! Parenting and growing up are two of the most important jobs where it’s all “on-the-job-training,” when you wish there was a way to get the experience beforehand instead of “20/20 hindsight” — experience being what you get when you don’t get what you wanted! You’ve really stepped up these last few years & I couldn’t be more proud — nobody will sit & listen to me talk about you as it is. We can all say, “I’m not the person I want to be, but thank God I’m not the person I used to be!” Works in progress. New beginnings.
I love you (probably more than you know), you are going to do great things, & I love being a part of a winning team! I’m here for you, always, whatever you need you can call — & if I’m not on the phone with Aunt Pammie….lol
I always forget how young you are. You are so far ahead then other young people that I know, and some older ones too! High school really is only a very small part of your entire life time. Yes, it is important it is the start of the stepping stones through the path of our crazy lives, but don’t have regrets. Most of us thought we had it hard and our parents made life even that much worse, getting older and being responsible puts it all into perspective and should bring a newfound appreciation for your parents. Well, I do anyway, especially after becoming a parent (X’s three!). Keep moving forward, continue to have goals, and think outside of the box. I look forward to more, good job
One more thing… what is it with you and getting kicked in the shin? lol
The one thing I have learned growing up is that our tomorrows began as a seed today. What I have become or accomplished started long ago on a playground somewhere and as I grew I made decisions good and bad that brought me to the place I am today. I would be lying if I said I had no regrets because I do. I must tell you though that mistakes can be a teacher if we let them. Fail forward, I remember reading a book with that title “Failing Forward” by John Maxwell. We have to reflect on our lives just as you are doing and be honest about what we see in ourselves, what we have done in our lives and who we are, and then of course make the necessary changes to be planting better seeds for our tomorrows. No doubt when tomorrow comes we will reflect again and see changes that need to be made. And so it goes. Life is a process not an event, and it really is more about what we do then what we get, in other words its about taking our abilities and talents and giving back by doing for others. I taught a class once entitled “Life Strategies for Christian Teens” and in that class I asked the questions. What do you want written on your headstone when you die? What would you want your family members and friends to remember about you? What legacy do you want to leave behind? When I die I don’t want written on my headstone merely existed but that my having lived mattered, made a difference. In other words I want to leave the world a little bit better then I found it. Begin with the end in mind.
Dean somewhere in my house I have a picture of the Christmas I went to stay at your Grandma Diane’s house (your parents were staying at the house while you grandparents were out of town), and in the picture is a wonderful, joyful laughing little boy getting a pony ride on his Aunt Pam’s back and that image will always be etched on my mind and my prayer for you is that when all is said and done and you have achieved your scholastic goal that you will find that young boy again. Sometimes when we grow up we think everything must be achievement and seriousness and thats just not true. To all young people out there as fast as you can run jump do cartwheels and laugh, be silly and look for adventure….everyday. I think what you will find out is that you will still grow up you will just have more fun doing it.
I will write again. I love you so. Your Aunt Pam
not sure if it’s been said up there but: Hindsight is always 20/20. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Highschool sucked anyway right